Asexual stuff whoop.

Short story: I don’t know how hetero or not I am. I don’t feel comfortable in any community. I’ve been trying to fit into a community which and I just feel like a terrible person because of that. Confusion.

If you took the sex part out of the Kinsey scale I’d say I’m about a 0.5-2 I can’t really tell because I’m indecisive as heck. So that’s where I am, I’m pretty sure I’m not hetero-romantic, but I know I tend to be more attracted to men, or attracted to more men than women (seeing that there are a few women that I am attracted to equally or more than most men I’m attracted to), how big that difference is alludes me greatly.

Applied to real life, it makes me feel, as an almost-hetero-romantic asexual, that I don’t fit into either the “gay” community or the herternormative world. I know there’s an asexual community, but simply because there aren’t many asexuals it’s just plain hard to find them. Because of this, when I go to my university’s LGBT club, or when I’m around my non-straight friends, which is most of my friends, I feel like I have to greatly exaggerate the few times that I find a woman attractive, just so I can relate to everyone else on some level.

When I actually find myself maybe getting a crush on a woman I don’t know how legitimate that crush is. I don’t know if I really have a crush on them, or if I want to have a crush on them, or if I have an infatuation with the idea of actually liking them. Then I feel guilty because I feel like I’m choosing to like them and I feel like I’m being disrespectful to people who know they’re actually attracted to the opposite sex because of the whole “gay is not a choice, why would anyone choose to be discriminated against” thing. And it just adds to the bigger mess of confusion since it brings me back to the 0.5-2 thing accept I start thinking it could just be 0, since I don’t want to say I like girls if I really don’t, but I just don’t know so I feel 0.5 is safer.